When we talk about executive functions, we often zero in on productivity: getting things done, being on time, completing tasks, planning, and organizing. These skills naturally align with school and work life.
But lately, I see how deeply executive functioning also affects our personal relationships.
In Private Seeing My Time Family Sessions, I often work with partners who think very differently from one another. Sometimes, one partner signs the other up to work with me.
Other times, each partner is simply trying to better understand the other. One reason families go through the Seeing My Time program together, is because understanding how someone’s brain works (and how that influences their behavior) can lead to stronger, more connected relationships.
How Executive Skills Show Up in Our Relationships
I’ve been married for nearly 31 years. For much of that time, my husband has been chronically late. From small gatherings to major celebrations, he rarely showed up on time. And since we usually arrived together, I was late too.
The pattern was frustrating – and also pretty dang familiar… His parents were always late as well! We used to joke that they lived on “Miller Time.” We’d give them a start time at least 30 minutes earlier than needed, just to account for the lag. My kids and I knew that when my husband announced it was time to go, we still had another 10 minutes.
Now, my husband is one of the kindest, most generous people I know. But his constant lateness felt rude, even though it didn’t match his character. The disconnect didn’t make sense…until I began learning about executive functions and teaching Seeing My Time.
The Floating Time Brain and Rethinking Assumptions
I realized he has what we call a “floating time brain.” His mind doesn’t naturally track time. He believes everything takes 20 minutes, and anything that doesn’t takes no time at all. He floats from one moment to the next without a solid sense of time’s structure.
This insight led to thoughts such as: Was it possible that all this time, he was doing his best? Was I making assumptions about his brain based on how my brain operates? And am I remorseful for my impatience all those years?
The answer to all of those questions is YES!
Of course, this understanding didn’t magically fix everything. But it changed the way his behavior affected mine. For example, one of his strongest executive function skills is emotional control. He is able to remain calm in most situations and pull through challenges with a positive attitude. That happens to be one of my weaker skills. But over time, being around him helped me grow in that area. And my presence in his life has helped him become more aware of how to manage time.
Executive skills are never one-size-fits-all. We all have strengths and weaknesses. When we recognize and respect the differences in how each others’ brains work, we can build relationships rooted in empathy, and that makes us all stronger.
So, who in your life has different executive function strengths than you do? And how might you grow stronger, together?
