Sleep is critical for our executive functioning. According to the National Sleep Foundation, teenagers need between 9 and 10 hours of sleep a night. However in the foundation’s 2006 poll of over 1,500  6th through 12th graders and their parents, 45% of adolescents between the ages of 11 and 17 were getting less than 8 hours of sleep per night. Getting enough sleep is vital because recent studies have linked sleep problems to obesity, aggressive behavior, learning and memory issues, as well as anxiety and depression.

Knowing adequate sleep is a huge part of executive dysfunction, I admit to being very excited when I discovered that a parent in one of my family coaching sessions was an M.D. who specializes in sleep disorders. I really wanted to pick his brain so I asked him, “What advice do you give to get a good night’s sleep?” He shook his head and said it is easier to tell you what not to do. He confirmed that the use of technology just before bedtime is a real source of sleep problems, but what he said next surprised me. Parents may be getting their children to bed on time  only to have them awakened in the middle of the night by friends texting or calling on their cell phones! It is not like the old days when the family phone rang in the middle of the night and alerted the parents.

This is a big problem for some kids. The 2011 Sleep in America Poll discovered that 18% of teens, 13 to 18, are awakened by their cell phones at least a few nights a week. The doctors solution? Keep your teen’s cell phone at night. I would add that you should let your teen alert his or her friends that this is going to happen so friends learn it is pointless to try to call each other in the middle of the night. This is one of those times it’s definitely okay in my book to take some heat by setting boundaries for your child’s welfare.

At a recent group class an eighth-grader responded to the question, “What’s been working well?” He told us that going to bed earlier had helped. He said it was easier to get up and that his days are going better. That was an important insight for this young man. Help your children develop good sleep hygiene. Set bedtime for 9 hours. Stop screen time at least 30 minutes before lights out and snag those phones before they go to bed. Their executive functioning will improve.

Many of the parents who call me are concerned about their very bright child who is performing below expectations. These children have been identified through testing as being talented and gifted because of high test scores on standardized IQ measurements. There is often pain and frustration in the voices of these parents. Why is their exceptionally smart child not living up to his or her potential in school? These underachieving students are often labeled “unmotivated” and “lazy.”

I strongly identify with the children of these parents because I was one of those underachieving students. I too struggled with a lack of time awareness that affected my productivity. For most of my adult life I described myself as an underachieving procrastinator. That changed when I learned about the connection to my brain’s wiring and getting things done.

What is my first advice to these frustrated and concerned parents?  Pause, and take a deep breath. There is hope! Next, stop thinking of your child as being unmotivated. Banish from your mind the connection between your child and the word lazy.  Your child most likely has executive functioning deficits in the prefrontal cortex of their brain. This area of the brain, the front of our brain, is the last part of our brain to develop. In fact, it doesn’t become fully matured until somewhere between 25 and 30 years of age.

Under achieving children are suffering tremendous guilt and a low self esteem because of their struggles with getting things done. These negative emotions create barriers that can make it hard to get them to even try to use effective strategies to help themselves. They can hide behind a mask of bravado that looks like they don’t care about school or getting good grades.  They may even loudly claim that they don’t need help.

To get past these self-imposed emotional barriers is the challenge that the Sklar Process™ takes on in the first couple of hours of the course. By providing information about the brain, executive functioning, and learning, you remove the guilt and open up the possibility of hope, of being able to successfully meet the expectations of those around you. With that lowering of defenses, then you can teach the effective external strategies that are needed to support the growing brain to get things done.  Educating oneself about the brain and executive functions is the place to start changing your relationship with your struggling gifted child.

People come to see me primarily for help with time management. However, I always forewarn them that for the first couple of hours of the Sklar Process™ we don’t even talk about getting things done. Instead, we focus on the brain. We explore how the way the brain is wired affects our behavior and our productivity.

These collective brain processes which control our productivity are called executive functions. One page in the Seeing My Time Course Notes shows a brain surrounded by list of executive functioning skills. I have people score themselves on whether or not their brain is strong or weak in each area. The final skill listed is “emotional control”—what I call the “bully in the brain.”

Our strong emotions, like fear, anger, anxiety, frustration, depression, even love, can dominate our brain, making access to our other executive functioning skills impossible. This makes productivity impossible. Sharing this knowledge can be life-changing. It helps people to understand themselves better. One goal of the Sklar Process™ is to take this improved self-awareness and use it to create positive behavior change.

I was privileged recently to have a fifth-grader who struggles mightily with a bully in her brain—the emotion of anger. She could be described as having a very short fuse. When I introduced her to the “bully” in her brain we had a way to discuss how she might learn to “talk back” to her brain’s bully. In essence she needed a way to control her brain instead of her brain controlling her. As she progressed through the course she became more aware of the feeling of confusion that sets off her anger bursts. She learned that confusion is a call for help. Her parents learned to identify her behavior outbursts as calls for help. The whole family unit shifted once the “bully” was identified and  could be attended to before she would swing out of control.

Ultimately managing her bully better led to her being able to use the time-management  strategies taught in the course. Home life and school life became easier. Her story is just another example of how teaching executive functioning skills changes lives for the better.

Empty the dishwasher. Yes. Empty the dishwasher. It is my number one time management tip. Unless you are a rare soul who was daily paid help, you, or someone in your house needs to empty the dishwasher and I’m here to tell you that the empty dishwasher is the key to getting your day off to a good start. At a minimum an empty dishwasher can impact the next 12 hours of your day.

Think about it. You start your day in the kitchen getting something to eat. If the dishwasher is empty you can quickly put your dirty bowl, spoon, etc., immediately in the dishwasher. And so can everyone else. If the dishwasher is full of clean dishes that smooth process comes to a grinding halt. In the rush of getting your day going no one wants to take time to empty the dishwasher so you leave the dirty dishes on the counter, on the table, or in the sink. Everybody else in the house does the same so the piles grow. All day long, you know in your heart that that mess is waiting for you when you get home.

One of the assignments given in the Sklar Process™ course is to time a task you don’t want to do. Just this morning a client reported her surprise that with the dishwasher empty it only took 20 minutes to clean up the kitchen— a shorter time than she had expected. This observation brought up the critical step of having an empty dishwasher.

In my home, my husband and I many years ago came to the agreement (after a marriage counseling session) that we would empty the dishwasher together before we went to bed. Working together at this task takes about 3 minutes total time. And since it is a shared task it has a feeling of teamwork instead of drudgery. My client reported that to empty the dishwasher is her teenage son’s task, one he has to be nagged to do. She decided that they’d switch to doing it together. They’ll have a time of teamwork and her whole next day will go better.

Make a date with yourself or another family member to empty the dishwasher before you go to bed. It will help everyone’s time management.

I recently finished a group family class at a local school. We had been meeting for 7 weeks, sharing challenges, insights, and successes as we worked on improving their executive functioning.

It was a diverse group, ranging in age from 9 to seventy. Each session had around 25 people. It was so inspiring to see all the steps that led to concrete changes in their individual and family behavior. Some of the participants were teachers who inspired me with their willingness to change how they teach in order to meet the needs of their student’s brains. There were men sharing how they were using the strategies in the workplace. They were women using the strategies both at work and home. And of course there were students using the strategies to be more successful in school. Most of these students had either learning challenges or ADHD or both.

At the end of the last class the participants left clutching their Seeing What I Need to Do books— their journal, containing their insights about time and their behavior.  They left with a sense of hope for their futures based on their positive experiences over the duration of the Sklar Process™ course.

At the beginning of the last class I asked them to pause and reflect on how the course had changed them, helped them. I’m going to share some of the adult and student comments to help you understand why I love teaching this course.

Adult Responses:

“I can better help my son by using common tools and language.”

“It’s helped me to be more positive with myself and with my wife and kids. It was a really helpful and practical course. I’m glad my wife dragged me here.”

“I feel as a family we all now use our time more wisely. Personally, I feel I have more control of my time versus the other way around.”

“I have more patience with my boys, a better perspective on their brain’s ability. There’s a lot less yelling and a lot more planning.”

Students Responses:

“I really like this class. I think it was fun and it was a great idea to draw.”

Six students wrote something along the lines of this one: “I feel more confident I learned to work better at school.”

One little girl wrote, “I now feel more confident, more powerful in my own heart.”

“It has helped a lot with getting organized.”

“It makes me feel like I control my time and how I use it. This was a 6th grader

“I feel more secure.”

“Feel more organized, not afraid to ask questions.”

“I feel more relaxed. I can plan my day. It helps turning in projects and homework on time.”

“I understand time. I feel more in control.” This was written by a 3rd grader with ADHD.

“I feel good and prepared for my future. I can get better grades on projects.”

“It helps me be able to get my homework done in a reasonable amount of time.”

It’s reading comments like those that encourages me to keep spreading the word about the value of the Sklar Process™. It really does make a difference by improving executive functioning skills.

Just two years ago if you Googled “executive functioning”, not much came up. Today you will get lots of links, however the vast majority of these sites only give you definitions. That’s a good starting point but of limited usefulness. When people contact me they want more than definitions—they want specific help. How do they get better? How can they help their child? What can they do to get around these executive functioning deficits?

The Sklar Process™ is all about what you do when you get the label of being challenged with executive functioning. Having figured out how to support my own time- challenged brain I know it is possible to become very efficient, to be able to reach goals and fulfill dreams.

Why aren’t there more “solutions?” It’s because the solution isn’t a quick fix—pop a pill, use this form, or use this planner, and all will be well. I use the term “process” very purposefully. There is no magic wand. It takes a bit of time to develop and build understanding about your brain and how it impacts your time-management behavior. Armed with this knowledge the door opens to hope, hope that you can change. With this foundation a person can choose and use appropriate strategies to support their time- challenged brain. As an educator I carefully constructed my Seeing What I Need to Do workbook, the core of the Sklar Process™, to support behavior change—the real solution for executive functioning deficits.

When educational therapists, neuropsychologists, speech pathologist, therapists, and educators, look carefully at the Sklar Process™ books their eyes often light up and they frequently say something like, “Here it is! Here’s what needs to be taught!” They have found their solution—the materials they need to support their clients and patients and students who have executive functioning challenges especially those with a diagnosis of ADHD.

One of my life’s missions is to help other professionals help those who have the very serious issue of executive functioning disorder. Without self-awareness and help such individuals are at risk for failure at school and work.

To learn more about the “how” of the Sklar Process™, sign up for my newsletter on my website homepage. You will get a link for a free download of the first chapter of the Seeing What I need to Do— Instructors Manual. It might just be what you have been looking for, a way to offer real help for executive functioning deficits.

Learn more about the books here.

An adult coach coaching client arrived the other day in a high state of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. First we reviewed how the emotional control aspect of executive functioning dominates the brain. His anxiety was shutting down his capacity to use his metacognition to plan and problem solve which was exacerbating the problem. He was teetering on being paralyzed, unable to move forward on any of his goals.

Step 1: Calm the Emotions

By first acknowledging that it was his brain, and not him, that was out of control, we lowered the guilt and opened the window to calm down to problem solve. Next, I applauded him for showing up for help. I  reminded him that when our own brain is challenged it is time to borrow someone else’s brain to get out of our confusion, helplessness, and hopelessness. Getting help can be critical to ending overwhelming feelings.

Step 2: Get the Big Picture

After the emotions were calmed down, and he felt supported, it was time to apply strategies. We put down his three “pressing” issues on the dry erase board. The first problem, completing the construction of a website, was addressed by asking: is this deadline negotiable or is it written in stone? Since he was the one who had set the deadline it is actually flexible. We decided to move that deadline into the future to give him some breathing room. That left two more projects, one of which had a two-week deadline and the other, an online class, required constant time and attention each week.

Step 3: Find the Space

To end that sense of being overwhelmed, we got out our time management tools: our week planning sheet, a small stack of sticky notes, and a pair of scissors.

We decided how much time and space he needed each week to work on those two pressing goals. Using the scissors we cut sticky notes into pieces that would correspond one-to-one with the hourly spaces on the week sheet. Then he placed the sticky notes over the time of day he was going to allot to those tasks. When he had finished doing this he could now see that it was actually going to all fit. He had a concrete picture of how it would all get done. He realized he could get it all done if he kept his day plan insight.  Armed with a picture and a plan, he left a much calmer person.

Are other people taking over all of your free time? That was a common theme of adults in my recent group classes. Coworkers, aging parents, children—all can take over your time. How do you claim time to meet your own needs? Fulfill your own goals?  It is a real time management dilemma.

These questions came up as we explored the Second Truth of Time taught in the Sklar Process.™ It is the truth that time takes up space. We had just done an activity of blocking out the space in a week taken up by our commitments. This exercise concretely shows that most of us have very little open or free time in a week. How do we find time for ourselves? By setting boundaries! How do we do that?

Step 1: Claim the Space—Your Space

One gentleman in the class told how at his work place everyone shares an electronic calendar so that meetings can be scheduled easily. The trouble is that his open time for lunch and working on projects keeps getting taken over by other people scheduling meetings. His solution? He realized that on his calendar he needed to block out lunch and project time so that others wouldn’t think that he was “free” to schedule. So, the first step is to block out space in your week and dedicate it just for you.

Step 2: Communicate with Others

Another participant, a therapist, realized she needed to follow her own advice that she easily hands out—reserve time for yourself. Put yourself first once in awhile. She is dealing with her intense work, an aging mother, and a husband who has severe health issues which requires many trips to the doctor. She announced the need to claim some time for herself each weekend and realized that she needed to communicate her needs to her husband. To reserve time for yourself be sure to communicate your reasons to the significant others in your life so they don’t make plans for what they think of as your empty time or shared time. If necessary, be creative and see if you can delegate some of your tasks and commitments so that you can carve out time for yourself.

Step 3: Take the Time!

For many people actually using time just for themselves is a very difficult thing to do. They are always putting other people first. Long ago, I learned that in order for me to have the energy as well as the physical and mental health my “giving to others” required, I had to first take care of myself. It is critical that we do things that restore our energy and keep us healthy.

Follow these three time management tips to schedule the time and space you need to have balance in your life. It will improve your life dramatically.

This week there was an opinion piece in the New York Times (January 29, 2012) “Ritalin Gone Wrong” by Alan Sroufe, PhD. It set off a flurry of concerns between professionals and parents, pushing the hot-button topic of medicating children for ADHD. The very next day the New York Times ran a rebuttal point of view and my inbox held a response by Edward Hallowell, MD, a best-selling author on ADHD and an expert on attention deficit disorder.

Stepping aside from the long term value of medications, I found it interesting that they seemed to be agreeing that medication doesn’t “fix” having ADHD. No one I know believes that it does. Its purpose is to enable the brain of an ADHD person to “pause” long enough to control impulsive behavior. That pause makes it possible for them to make wise behavior choices, make good time management decisions, focus, and reach goals, IF they have some guidance.

When you blow away all of the smoke what you end up with is people talking about executive functions. I know from my work teaching the Sklar Process™, that some of my clients do indeed need medication. They find it very helpful, if not critical. However, in terms of truly changing behavior and thus their life, they need to be educated about their executive functions. They have to be taught specific external strategies along with the use of external tools to compensate for what their ADHD brain lacks. That is whole point of the Sklar Process™. It is honest help for students and adults who are struggling, especially those with ADHD. It doesn’t “fix” them either, but improved self-awareness and understanding brings about the hope for real improvement in their lives. Being able to help these folks, whether on medication or not, is one of the joys of my work.

What does losing weight have to do with executive functioning? Lots.

For me, executive functioning is all about understanding my brain’s needs so that I have maximum control over my time and productivity. I want time for both work and fun. Time for myself. Time for my family. Time for giving to the community.

To do all of that takes energy. Carrying around extra weight saps energy. I know. I have been overweight in my life. I also realize how hard it is to lose weight. It requires incredible metacognition to make the necessary choices to lose weight. What can you do? Learn more about your brain.

I recently brought home an interesting book, The Amen Solution. Dr. Amen is a psychiatrist whose passion is understanding the connection between the brain and behavior. His clinics have scanned more than 50,000 brains. He has found that our excess weight shows up in the pictures of our brains!  And, it turns out,  the brain of an overweight person is not a pretty picture to contemplate. Lose weight, and your brain gets healthier!

While not overweight at this point in my life, reading Amen’s book was a wake-up call. I have lots of plans for the rest of my life and I need a brain and body in maximum shape to be able to live those dreams. After reading Amen’s book I did “little” things like starting to measure the sugar I use (and consequently cutting back). I make sure my breakfast choices are eaten out of very small bowls. I record my weight every morning. I’m using metacognition to notice my portion sizes, choosing not to fill up my plate to overflowing or having seconds.

The result? Without any particular effort, beyond my usual exercise (CRITICAL!), little by little, I have lost 5 pounds over 3 months!

Amen has discovered that different brain types need to use different solutions to lose weight. Check out his book at the library or investigate his web site. He may just inspire you to improve your executive functioning by understanding the connection between your brain and your weight.